Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
