I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
