when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
