So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
