i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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