Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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