So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
