I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
