I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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