beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
