i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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