Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
