I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
