the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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