He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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