So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
