Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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