Just fell off a train. Bad.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
