Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Randomize
