I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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