I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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