Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
