I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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