The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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