i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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