You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
