loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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