I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"