I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed