the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i now understand why vodka
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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