i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
MIDGETS
????
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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