That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
