I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
