That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
