Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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