last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Randomize
