so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
