I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
