Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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