His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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