I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
