hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
