dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
