my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
