i love accidental penises.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
We got so high we made milksteak
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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