Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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