Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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