i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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