hotel room ftw
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
