Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
