Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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