guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
