Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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