well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
