Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
